Self Worth by Bryleigh

Self Worth by Bryleigh - December 2022 Scholarship Essay

One of the hardest things for a teenager to learn is self worth. Often times for teens with PTSD or traumatic past experiences, it takes these individuals a much longer time to realized that they are worth happiness and more than how they have been treated.
Personally, I had a very specific part of my year that made me realize that I deserved so much more than what I was getting. For about 4 months I was in a very toxic and unhealthy relationship. This guy would manipulate me into situations that made me uncomfortable, would get mad at me over things out of my control, didn't take time to understand my anxiety and overthinking, and many other things.
After about 3.5 months I realized that I was going down a very dark path that, if I didn't get help, would ultimately lead to my death. Being that we were long distance, I decided to factime him and tell him exactly what I needed out of this relationship in order to stay. After this conversation, I gave him about 1 month timeline to start to see improvement.
As that week went along, my self harm got worse, and finally my parents found out. They sat me down and told me that I didn't deserve this and that what I was doing could lead me to being gone forever. I decided that day that they were right, I was being treated wrongly and that because of that I was harming myself to make the pain more visible.
That night, I ended things with my ex. And as soon as I did, I felt this weight being lifted off my shoulders. This weight was fear and denial that I had been carrying since we started going out. I realized that the fear and denial that I had been carrying was bringing down my self worth.
Since my break up, I have had my friends continually show me that I am worthy of happiness and joy. That I am worthy of being appreciated and not being made to feel like I am a problem.
I am slowly and continually realizing that no matter how many doubts go through my head, I deserve to feel like I belong in whatever kind of relationship I am in. I deserve to be showed love, kindness, understanding. I deserve to be surrounded by people who will let me work at my pace and not pressure me into situations.
While I know that my own head will question my self worth, I will continue to go into this next year surrounding myself with people who love me and show me that they want the best for me. I will set aside time to try and understand what is going on in my head and evaluate what weights I may feel and what are causing those. And if you are reading this and it sounds familiar, just remember, that your trauma may have shaped who you are but it doesn't have to shape how you are in the future. You can always change how you see your self worth by surrounding yourself with people who build you up instead of tearing you down.