Anxiety by Kylie

Anxiety by Kylie - December 2024 Scholarship Essay

Sudden gasping. Searching for any air to enter my lungs. My chest struggles to rise and fall as if a foot is forcing its way through my chest. No way to communicate, and struggling to tell my mom there was something wrong. Speeding to the hospital, all I can hear is my heart racing and my blood pumping through my veins. Suddenly something I’ve been doing all my life, breathing, was something I no longer knew how to do. Thrown into a chest X-ray, my mom spoke quietly with the doctor as my breathing slowly came back. Doctors in and out of the room, never telling me what's wrong just asking my mom questions in a discrete tone.
I never thought that something like this would happen to me in the slightest. All I could think was how is this possible? Sitting uncomfortably in a small tank top with no bra as I was not allowed to wear one. Deeply vulnerable, scared, and unsure of the next move. Hours began to pass, sitting in a hospital bed, exhaustion across my mother's face. The random reality TV shows on the TV, which must’ve been from when the hospital opened, played in the background.
Doctors came in and told me they couldn't find anything wrong, and it must be mental. Suddenly everything was put into perspective. The heavy breathing, the constant nausea, and the puking after every meal. How could I not have known, I’ve always been an anxious person, but why was it suddenly overtaking me?
I’ve always been “the sick kid”, whether it be strep, COVID, or any random bug that you could have, I would pick it up. Now on top of all that I realized that my anxiety wasn't only affecting me mentally it was affecting me physically. Weeks missed of school, missing assignments stacked up, no matter how many emails I sent to my teachers I would forever be behind. I've always strived to be a true academic whether it be going to after-school tutoring sessions to catch up or meetings after school in order to improve my grades. I had to meet that standard I set for myself, to be the academic my parents expected me to be. This effort to remain at the top despite my missed days and struggle to catch up fed my anxiety. The anxiety floods the pages of my transcripts. I can see the way it cut me down from freshman to halfway through junior year. Grade after grade, just looking at it shows the mental battle I was facing.
I knew I had to learn how to triumph over it. I began to take medicine, yet it didn't change anything so I steered away from it. I had to choose to work through it not push it down with medication and pretend it's nonexistent. So I began to talk about it and share my struggles with my family. It slowly became a thing I had, and looking at my transcript I can see how I slowly became at ease in myself and in my mind. While I have moments where it sparks up again, it hasn't overtaken me since.
I decided to make it stop, and air has fluently moved through my lungs since, and when I begin to feel that desperate feeling I know how to tame it. I know anxiety will continue to occur in my future but I know in myself that it can’t stop me from being the person I want to be and achieving all of the things I want to do