Lose Your Fear by Kyra

Lose Your Fear by Kyra - April 2021 Scholarship Essay

When I read the title of this scholarship topic, I thought, "Man, that is such an easy question. Do better in school, be friends with more people, save money, do all this great stuff so that future me doesn't have to struggle so bad." But after some reflection, I thought, "If past me was sitting here, what would I REALLY say?"

Five years ago today I would have been fourteen and almost complete with my freshman year of high school. If past me was here, I would first tell her that she's doing amazing even though she doesn't feel like she is. I would tell her she's happier in high school. I would tell her memories of my friends- windows down running around the city, breakfast at Bob Evans and dinner at Olive Garden. Crying at Christmas because they bought me something I mentioned one time (I hadn't even remembered it). The sleepovers, singing along to early 2000 boybands, shopping, pictures in photo booths, bowling, skating, going on trips. I would tell her that they made me feel more confident and strong, gave me hope when I didn't have any and they were the first real friends I'd ever had. I'd tell her that the depression is still bad and still eats me alive sometimes, but they always offer a hand in the darkness. They love me and they make it worth staying alive.

I'd also tell her that I finally came out to everyone and no one looks at me any different. I'd tell her mom said, "Anyone you love, I'll love." I'd tell her that I feel more open and comfortable. I dress the way I want to and I look really cool when I do it. I am completely happy with me and love the way I look. I also got my nose pierced and dyed my hair, which I know she'd adore. Blue, by the way, which is my favorite color and the color I wanted to dye it when I was younger.

I'd tell her there are little things she's going to love like going for a hike on the first sunny day, her dogs, karaoke nights, dance parties, playing games with her friends, cutting her hair short, laughing at comedy shows. There are also big things she's going to love like standing up to dad, going to prom, graduating, going to college, going out of state, learning how to drive, getting her first car, traveling alone for the first time, etc. There are many milestones I've completed since I was fourteen, and they all have bettered me.

If I could tell past me anything, I would say to lose your fear. I know you're scared for the future, I know things have been rough. I know people have let you down and made you feel like no one cares. It's been hard, it's scary, I know this. But to be honest, it was worth it. I would take one hundred bad days if it meant one good day with my friends. I'd take a thousand bad outfit choices to find the one that makes me feel like I do now. I'd take one bad coming out response to our entire family supporting us. I'd endure the pain all over again if it meant I could be where I am today. I love my friends, I love my family and I love me. Don't be scared for the future, it works out. Time heals everything, one day you will be happy.