Advice That Last A Lifetime by Lindsey

Advice That Last A Lifetime by Lindsey - April 2021 Scholarship Essay

5 years ago I was in 7th grade facing the horrid depths of middle school. I spent each day holding on to a thin thread of hope. Middle school is a hard time for everyone, you are just starting to find yourself in this vile world. There are lots of words I wish I could tell that 12-year-old little girl and If I could go back I would. Some advice I would give to myself is that not everything is my fault, that I need to learn to let go, and that one of the hardest things to learn is we all have toxic traits.
The first piece of advice I would give myself from 5 years ago is that not everything is our fault. I have always blamed myself for things that have been completely out of my control. I let myself believe that my mom's absence was my fault. I would tell myself how far from the truth that really is. I was young and no 12 year old should have to carry the blame of an absent parent. I thought it was my fault that I lived at my mom's house before she left. She treated me with neglect that could last a lifetime. I believed it was my fault for not leaving her house, for not going with my dad. But I was a child and that was out of my control. 5 years ago I beat myself up with blame and hatred for the past. I would tell myself that things happen in life but not everything that is wrong in life is our fault and that we can't live believing that they are.
I would also tell myself that we need to learn to let go. I tend to hold on to everything whether it's good or bad. But holding on to the "what ifs" and the "if onlys" does nothing. 5 years ago I held on to broken friendships because of all the "what ifs" in the world, when really all I needed to do was to let go. I held to the past when all that did was hold me back from closure. I would tell myself from 5 years ago that learning to let go feels so freeing. I would tell me that holding on to a friendship or the past will only set us back, and the moment that you let go suddenly you feel so much lighter.
The last piece of advice I would give to myself from 5 years ago is that one of the hardest things to learn is that we all have toxic traits. I wish I would have heard someone tell me this sooner. Everyone has toxic traits but once you see them you can begin to correct them. 5 years ago I was controlling, arrogant, and judgmental. Everyone in life is a little toxic, some are just correcting that behavior while others are ignoring it. I would tell myself that as hard as it is to believe we are toxic we need to acknowledge it. I would tell myself from 5 years ago that it's hard to believe but once you see the toxicity you can begin to be a new person. A person who sees our own flaws and wants to grow from them. I would let myself know that it is scary but noticing this makes you a better person, the person you'll want to become.
Overall there are lots of different pieces of advice I wish I could give the person I was 5 years ago. But the top advice I would give is not everything is my fault, that I need to learn to let go, and that one of the hardest things to learn is that we all have toxic traits. But in the end, it is probably better I learned all that later in life because it made me who I am today and I wouldn't change that.