Fear for the Future by Lindsey

Fear for the Future by Lindsey - February 2024 Scholarship Essay

I first encountered the word fear in novels, comprehending the definition but not its effect. At the age of 16, I experienced the true meaning of fear. Fear started with my anxiety shoving away all other thoughts as it overwhelmed my mind with negativity. It started with the shaking of my hands and tears that flowed down my face and covered my phone screen.

Fear taught itself to me as I was left alone. My emotions were numb as I followed my brother’s every move from 1,582 miles away. My brother had been at college for a couple of weeks when he entered a downward spiral he was unable to face alone. Posting his mental breakdown on social media, friends and family came to me with questions I wished I could flee from. His unnatural actions caused undeniable pain, as his devastating emotions took over all our thoughts and decisions. I can still picture my mother’s face while explaining the events, her red and swollen eyes still wet from fresh tears.

Fear began to surround me because there is nothing more attractive to my brain than doubt: doubt that my brother was safe, doubt that I was helping my family, and doubt that I could focus on my own life while it was going awry someplace else. I let it control me until I found my strength in anger. Remembering the recently passed stressful days, anger tingled my muscles and worked itself into my clenched fists. The anger only grew as I spent my time watching the pain that he posted on social media, and I failed to recognize the brother I once knew.

Grief began to suffocate every area of my life as it pushed my dreams of the future away, and focused on the events at hand. In simpler terms, I became sad. I became sad for the younger version of myself who looked up to her brother as if he was on a pedestal. I’m still sad for the current version of myself who will never look at her brother the same, and who lost a role model while gaining fear for the future. Grief brought me to the final, and my current stage, of trauma: acceptance. Grief carried me over to the soft hug of emotional validation, the safety of therapy, and the choice to channel my emotions into change.

I deactivated my social media accounts after these events, unable to find the benefits and wanting to disassociate from the memories. As my family began to heal, I gradually regained my trust in social media. It was during this period that I noticed a shift in the content being shared by my friends. They began to post plans for their future, a stark contrast to the content posted by my brother during his spiral. This shift reminded me that social media has the potential to connect people, spread optimism, and share achievements.

Motivated by the chance to see the impact of using social media with optimistic intentions, I created an Instagram account to celebrate the future paths of my peers. Creating this account challenged me to find the positivity social media can bring. By dedicating my online presence to celebrate optimism, I replaced the undercurrent of fear with hope.

Social media is a powerful tool that can be used to reach a vast audience and create positive change in the world. With my online presence, I hope to make a meaningful impact. Engaging with social media with a hopeful outlook has brought me a newfound sense of joy and fulfillment. From designing visually appealing graphics to writing heartfelt captions, every aspect of content creation allows me to express my passion and connect with a wider audience. While social media can certainly be a double-edged sword, it is ultimately our choices and intentions that shape its impact.

I will be attending Emerson College and studying Media Psychology to further my education. I hope to use the knowledge I have learned to help my family and myself understand his actions and heal. While my brother's addiction has done more harm than good, I have been able to grow and heal as a person which led me to my plans for the future to help others. I will continue to share my story in hopes of helping others heal and cope with similar circumstances.