Going "Crazy" for Change by Marissa

Going "Crazy" for Change by Marissa - July 2017 Scholarship Essay

“I’m dying.”
is all I could think.

Day in and day out, nonstop for three weeks, I had myself convinced that I was going to die at any moment. I can’t explain exactly what it feels like to have a panic attack, feeling like your death is imminent is as close as I can come…

It’s hard to believe that it was only a year ago that my life turned upside down. I had planned on going to this college for as long as I could remember, and now my anxiety disorder was getting in the way of my plans and my future, again. As soon as my family dropped me off at my dorm, it all began. Daily panicked phone calls home in tears and walking laps around campus in the middle of the night checking my pulse and trying to catch my breath plagued what was supposed to be the start of the “best years of my life”.

September of 2016, I was forced to leave my dream school to come home and deal with my mental illness and the aftermath of a complete breakdown. I had never felt more alone in my life, and in my mind, no one could possibly understand what I was going through at that time.

For this reason, I would like to give an educational TED Talk on the commonality of mental health issues and not being ashamed to share your story. So many people-children,teens, and adults alike are going through things that the naked eye can be blind to. Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, these are all diseases and issues of the mind that are so much more common than one might think. It’s estimated that 1 in 5 people will experience a severe mental disorder at some point in their lifetime (National Alliance on Mental Health).

This number is daunting. We can’t stop this from happening, but as a society, we can make a change in how we treat the many people with mental illnesses on any given day.

At my lowest point, the number one feeling I had was the feeling that I was alone. My TED Talk would encourage my audience to reach out to those in their lives who may seem to be struggling. Offer support and be as non-judgemental as you can be. I want to encourage people to let those important to you know that you will be there for them and that they can come to you with anything and you will help them or find someone who can help them if you are unable. This is especially important because you never know what someone could be hiding behind a carefree smile, even those who seem the happiest could be fighting a battle in their mind that they don’t seem to be winning.

I plan to share my story to help those who are in the same boat that I was in know that recovery is possible and things will get better. If I had someone who shared their similar experience with me when I was at my worst, who knows how that might have helped and impacted me throughout the months ahead.

Sometimes all you need to hear is that you are not alone, in order to become hopeful for the future. In my TED Talk, I would make it clear that no one is alone in this fight. If we all take a step back and change the way that we treat those important to us, we can change society and how mental illnesses are viewed. As someone with an anxiety disorder, I am not “broken”, and I am not “crazy”. I am strong and I can and will affect change in the world around me.