Hidden Strength by Mary

Hidden Strength by Mary - April 2021 Scholarship Essay

Some things in life don’t go as planned. Things that you can’t control and some that you can’t. In the last five years, I have gone through so much. Events that have happened, I never would have expected to happen. I wish I could go back in time to tell myself the things I desperately needed to hear. There are so many things I wish I could tell my younger self.
One of the things I had never expected to happen, was something I was raised to know to be wrong. I realized my attraction to women. Currently, I’m still closeted from my family. I have endured through so much, and I have been forced to put on a mask that I despise wearing. However, I know I’m strong enough to pull through. Five years ago, I wouldn’t have thought that. I would have planned my future based on the expectations my family had for me. Something I’ve learned is, I don’t have to live in the mold my parents have made for me. And I’m strong enough to handle all the doubts and insecurities that will come to me. My younger self was still in a hard shell, not wanting to break out. But I would let myself know that it is necessary and it will help in accepting situations that will proceed to cross my path. To break out of the shell, there are so many great things awaiting the minute I break the shell. It’ll be frightening at first, but worth the risk.
Pandemics seem like fairy tales. We know they happened, but we never expect it to happen to us. I certainly wouldn’t have expected COVID-19 to have spread and become such a reality that it has become. Forcing everyone to stay away from others and to become isolated within your home. Even though, I know it is for the safety of not just myself but others around me; the isolation damaged my already shaken mental health. With the difficulty of remaining in the closet, combined with being isolated and forced to be with my family, I wouldn’t have thought myself to be this strong. I thought I was weak, but if I could go back to tell myself how wrong that is. I am stronger than I would’ve ever thought. That true strength, to me, is being able to go through something that seems to have a dead-end and still come to the position that you aim for.
Outside of my biological family, I have created my own family. My friends are supportive of my decisions. They are people that I can/could depend on. My younger self would already be appreciative of them. But I needed to know that I could lean on them when I needed them. I’d tell myself to make the effort to talk to them. I left them in the dark for so long, but I’m letting myself pass by an opportunity to receive help. Most of my burdens can be lifted by talking to them. My younger self wouldn’t have agreed with talking to them; that I’d be pushing my burdens on them. I’d tell myself that they would rather have me be open to them than see me struggle on my own.
Prior to becoming an adult, I didn’t think I needed advice on difficult subjects and decisions. I never could have been so wrong in my life. I wish I could turn back the clock by five years and tell myself the things I needed to hear. To tell me that I am strong, that I need to let myself break free, to ignore the insecurities that will arise, to depend on those I can trust. Knowing that this wish is nothing more than a wish, I will choose to live out the advice I have learned. Making myself stronger.